In another post we talked about expectations in expat life (in case you haven’t read the post, here’s the link) but it is still pending to discuss this topic regarding your children. Inevitably, all of us have expectations but it’s clearly harder for children to manage them. And I say that’s inevitable because it’s difficult not to have expectations before an event that’s going to happen. In fact, we have them all the time since we can define expectation as simply as our ideas about things. For example, we may think that we have something to eat at home, but then we arrive and find our fridge empty, aargh!
Other times we meet people and think we’ll easily get along with them, but, suddenly, they make a comment we don’t like and… bang! Again! In fact, we may take that comment a hundred times worse than if we hadn’t thought we’d be great friends. As we said before, our expectations determine, a lot, our experience.
The issue is that more often than expected we don’t know -clearly and consciously- our expectations. Not all of them are easily detected. Taking time to think about them can be of great help. It happens quite often -in my private practice sessions- that we detect that this or that experience wasn’t so dramatic itself. It was perceived much more negatively due to the previous ideas that were at stake. Interestingly, while I was looking for a synonym to avoid repeating the same word a hundred times in this article, someone suggested “hopes”. I think this explains even better why we get so frustrated when things don’t turn out as our hopes made us imagine.
So, let’s move on to today’s topic: expectations and your expat children. Of course, it’s not the same if the child is 2 years old or 16. But, anyway, I’ll try to cover the topic in a way that’s useful for everybody.
If adults find it hard to detect the expectations they have at stake, it goes without saying that for children it’s even harder. Children don’t necessarily know that they have specific ideas about things. And it’s often us, adults, who raise these hopes… “You’ll see: you’ll make lots of friends at the new school”. We don’t have the slightest idea whether that’s going to happen. Of course, we hope it happens (and I’d add, as fast as possible) but, in fact, we don’t know exactly the truthfulness of our words.
Obviously, it won’t be the first or the last time we tell them something that’s not accurate. But what I think should make us pay more attention is the fact that we may be creating expectations unnecessarily. Our kids go to their first day of school, they don’t make friends, and they feel they’ve failed. I know it seems an exaggeration but, believe me, I’ve seen it happen. They even feel they’ve failed their parents. And, no, this isn’t going to traumatize them for theirs entire lives, but it’s a pain we can spare them.
That’s why in times like this, when marketing and advertising continuously insist on the possibility of a perfect life, without mistakes (or with those that can be corrected within the seconds the ad lasts), without misunderstandings, and where everything is spotlessly clean, neat and shining with happiness, when this speech surrounds us everywhere, it’s important to help our kids — whether they’re expats or not — have more realistic “hopes”. And by this I don’t mean that if we set ourselves goals we won’t achieve them (most of the times, we will) but there are two aspects I’d like to highlight.
One has to do with time. Being bombarded with ads that are obsessed with success, our minds begin to convince us that everything should be solved within the time that’s shown, and that if something takes longer, it means we’re failing. And this may apply to making friends, coping with school in a different language, and many more unavoidable and frustrating situations.
The problem isn’t the frustrating situation itself but the prevailing belief that it could be nonexistent. If I hope to learn a new language in 3 days, I’ll certainly get frustrated. And if I also believe that everything can be solved that quickly (just snapping my fingers), I’ll probably think that there’s something wrong with me, leading to distress, anxiety, etc.
Another aspect is about acknowledging the ideas we have about things. It’s not easy for adults, even less for kids. For the little ones, ExpatPsi’s short stories *might help you bring up the subject. Either with these or other ones, talking about stories (the well-known Storytelling technique) is always useful because, as you speak with children of other people’s stories, you can detect ideas they have about their own experiences. And this is also valid for teenagers. You can always use movies (Inside Out is the top one, but it’s not the only one). When we talk with them about what happens to the characters it’s the perfect moment to detect expectations and help our kids be more realistic. Don’t forget that most of the time what affect us most are not things but what we think about them…
I HAVE GREAT NEWS FOR YOU!!! If you liked this article, you’ll love what I’m about to share with you. As your child needs your help to develop a healthy identity, I’ve prepared a webinar for you. Don’t miss it! Enroll here!
*Those stories are only in Spanish so far, hopefully would be translated soon!
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Would you like to feel at home anywhere in the world?
Good news!! Your expat life can be a lot easier!!! You are just missing some key elements and this FREE eBook was written to help you with that.
