Some time ago I came across these words, and I liked them so much that I want to share them with you. The person who said them is David Pollock*’s wife. She said: “David never believed it was a bad things for parents to live and work and raise children cross-culturally. He did believe that preparation, intervention, and care could promote fewer shocks or trauma and greater health on all levels for entire families”. I would say, fewer “frozen griefs”).
I love her words because they’re so closely related to my decision to write this blog. I have to admit that social media (the well-know social media) are neither my strong point nor my passion. But knowing that parents could help their kids have smoother transitions certainly is my purpose. Knowing that I can contribute to that makes writing this blog a must for me. If we help our children go through better processes, deal with their griefs whenever they need it, learn how to validate their feelings, well, I think that, apart from helping them with their transitions, we’re giving them tools for life.
Today I’m bringing you some tips to help your kids adapt (And I’d like to add that, as life brings about situations to which we have to adapt, you’ll definitively be able to apply these tips to other circumstances).
1. Accept and validate what your child feels. Not everyone experiences situations in the same way. Sometimes when our kids complain about something or express their fears of something, we jump to explaining the advantages or showing them the positive side. But it’s very difficult for them to listen to what we’re saying if they don’t feel we’re paying attention to what they’re saying to us. I’m sure I’ve said this before, and I’ll keep saying it whenever I have the chance: making room for them to express what they feel without contradicting them is fundamental. (How many times have we been told that we can’t get angry at this or that? And how many times, when we were told that, those words made us feel less angry at that moment? The prosecution rests.)
2. Observe and name (Help them understand). Our children don’t often express what they feel. Most of the times —if they’re little ones— this happens because they don’t really know what they feel. They may misbehave, they may not follow rules, they may be grumpy. And they might be anxious, nervous, worried, but not necessarily communicate it in this way. In the middle of transitions, many children get sick and others start throwing tantrums o having sleep disorders. Ideally, we should take a deep breath (then, breathe again) and try to observe what’s happening to them. Helping them find words to name their emotions always contributes to reducing those behaviors.
3. Keep something stable. It’s not always easy but transitions are a period when it’s important to focus on keeping something (family rituals, dinners, objects) stable. We can create new rituals that make it possible to start building the sense of permanence, of stability, that all of us —adults included— need. Family rituals and customs enable us to give our children a sense of security that is very important. And if we know that temporarily we won’t be able to keep them, it’d be good to talk about it with our kids. For example, we can explain that for a while we won’t be able to have breakfast in a certain way because it’s not possible to cook in the house where we’re staying, but that, as soon as we have a kitchen (or a stove or our kitchen elements) we’ll go back to that.
As it happens with most things in life, living away from our home country isn’t good or bad for our children. Helping them go through this experience in a healthier way so that they can enjoy the advantages of international life, and reducing the disadvantages, is in our hands.
* David Pollock, together with Ruth van Reken, dedicated many years to researching the effects of living overseas on children, third culture kids o crosscultural kids (TCKs or CCKs). His book is highly-recommended literature for any person whose kids are growing (or have spent some years) away from their home country.
Third Culture Kids, Growing Among Cultures, Revised Edition.
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Good news!! Your expat life can be a lot easier!!! You are just missing some key elements and this FREE eBook was written to help you with that.
