“Children can cope with everything, can´t they? Everybody says so”. Well, maybe they can but the thing is that we can ease the transition for them –and, by doing so, hopefully avoid some of the consequences of unresolved grief. To see our children suffer is one of the most painful things in life. That is why it is absolutely understandable that you would like them to adapt and be happy as soon as possible. It is quite tempting to tell them “don´t worry, everything is going to be ok” and finish the conversation. But children go through a grieving process, just like us, even though they deal with loss and express their sorrow in a different way. Having an international lifestyle, being a TCK (Third Culture Kid), has advantages, but in order to help them gain those, we need to help them deal with sorrow and to avoid living with unresolved grief.
When mourning, acknowledgement means a lot more than it seems. Recognition, validating our feelings is crucial for resilience. Even more– naming our emotions is important for the healing process to begin. Most likely, your children will need your support with this. If they are not naming their feelings, if they are having a hard time talking about what they miss, they need their parents to help them to express the emotions. It is important for them to learn how the process goes and understand that what they are going through is normal.
Depending on their age, it may be more helpful to use storytelling or puppets, where the character is experiencing similar things than to start a conversation about their own experiences. It can be done in many different ways. Some children enjoy listening to the exact, same story a hundred times. Others may like to take an active role and start changing parts of the story. This can then be a very powerful tool to help them. Either with stories, puppets or conversations as they engage in another activity it is really important to check on them periodically.
It can be very difficult to listen to our children talking about their pain but ultimately this will benefit them. Sometimes it is more the listening than the solving part that they need from us. There is no need to judge or look for the rational aspect of what they are saying, just an active and warm listener is fine. The more you help them find the words to express themselves, the better. Same thing with having their feelings validated, it is always good for them to know that there is someone that would listen and accept their feelings; anger, anguish, sorrow – without diminishing what is causing it. Sometimes your children won´t appreciate having a bigger house or a nicer neighborhood, they still need to cry what was left behind.
Accept their pain. If you observe that listening to them is too much for you -because let´s not forget you are dealing with your own grieving process as well- do not hesitate to ask for help. It could be your partner, another family member, a friend or a professional. Please don’t overlook your own process, your own needs; just like in the airplane, take care of yourself first in order to help your children.
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This article was published in Expatriates Magazine.
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Would you like to feel at home anywhere in the world?
Good news!! Your expat life can be a lot easier!!! You are just missing some key elements and this FREE eBook was written to help you with that.
